For my Daddy

This blog is for my dad.

The greatest friend a girl could ever hope for in life.  Someone who believes in things for you that you would never dream to imagine for yourself.  Who believes you are the most amazing and accomplished person he's ever met.  Only, he has the ability to make every single one of his children, children-in-law, grandchildren, and wife feel that way.

My dad and I have always been very close.  That's what comes from being the youngest of 5, 4 years younger than my brother, and wait for it... the only girl. 

For years, my dad and I worked in the city.  Not together, but very near each other.  He would call me almost everyday asking if I wanted to go grab lunch.  Most days, when work permitted, I would go.  He would listen to me vent about difficult co-workers, struggles with feeling inadequate, and anything else I could think to go on and on about.  If I get good, cheap, tacos in front of the man he'll listen all day.  He listens so intently, great with eye contact, never judgmental, always simple with his answers.  A lot of the time his answer was, "well, screw 'em." 

I want to tell you every single thing about my dad, and who knows, over time maybe I will.

For now though,  I will say that he's very sick.  The kind of sick that only a transplant will bring him back from.

The fact that I would write that out there for the world to see is sort of a breakthrough in and of itself.  You see, I'm a talker.  I don't avoid the uncomfortable, I'll talk about anything, politically correct or not.  This topic though, I don't talk about it much.  What a strange feeling to have something fill so much of your brain for so much of your day, and yet scarcely talk about it.

If I keep to the facts, I can keep it together.  Thank goodness when kind, well intentioned people ask, the question is usually, "how's your dad?"  That way I can stick strictly to the facts.

Here's the heart crushing part.  He's not my daddy that I've always known anymore.  He's in there, but I only get to see the dad I've always known once in a while.  He's sort of lost inside his mind right now.  He is sleeping major parts of the day, and is getting his "dream life" confused with his "real life."  I get few words from him when I see him.

I know he's still there though.  Every time I see him, he takes at least one chance to stare right into my eyes.  Then his big steel blues start to get watery, and I've all but lost it.

Last week, he was so worked up about some things that were not actually real.  He laid down in his bed and kept going over and over them with me.  I told him he just needed to relax, that he didn't need to worry so much.  He is being so well cared for.  He gave me the silent soul searching steel blue stare, softly grabbed my hand, and said, "I'll always remember you." 

He's trying to kill me!  I'll always remember him too, and not how things are now. 

He and my mom have always been my biggest cheerleaders.  I want to show him the things I'm working on and the things I'm making.  I know he would be so proud of me, no matter how small or insignificant the project may be, he would think it was great.  When I started picking up sewing, he wanted me to wear the things I had made every time I saw him.  Seemed like a bit much, but anything to please my dad!

I'm full of hope and faith.  Maybe someday things will clear up, and I can take him through page by page on this blog and show him what I've been up to.

I'm not really sure where this will go, but like he has told me on more occasions than I can count, I'll never know until I try.